The Problem with Modern Entertainment

A guide for parents

Have you ever noticed how audiences these days laugh the most when the actors make cutting remarks and try to embarrass or hurt each other? That's supposed to be funny. Well, to me it's offensive! When I was young, audiences would be stunned and offended at that sort of thing. Now they just roar with laughter.

You can hardly find a movie or TV show about a family with children where the kids aren't fussing and fighting like mad. The parents do it too. Husbands and wives are constantly arguing and putting each other down in front of their children—and in front of your children. Because this has become the norm among families in the media, the children watching naturally assume that it's normal and acceptable for families to behave that way.

Sad to say, it probably is typical of the average U.S. home, since that's where most of those shows originate and that's who the producers are appealing to. It's normal in that sense, but it certainly shouldn't be considered acceptable. It's unloving, hurtful, and wrong—and it's contagious! It's also rapidly becoming a picture of home life almost anywhere, largely due to the influence those shows have as they spread around the world. Isn't that horrible?

Just because a movie or TV show is rated for children doesn't necessarily mean that it's good for your children.

Children imitate what they see and hear, and they seem to have a penchant for copying the negative. Young children, especially, can't always tell the difference between good or bad, and it's even harder when those guilty of some of the worst behavior are made to look so enviable, so "good," in other ways—good looking, affluent, popular, smarter than the adults, and free to do as they please.

Children are in the process of forming the values that they will carry with them through life, and it's their parents' responsibility to guide that process. Parents are failing at that job if they let their children watch what they want without any parental guidance or explanation as to what is acceptable civil behavior and what isn't. And that goes for shows that are supposedly geared to children, even the ones that are meant to be educational.

Just because a movie or TV show is rated for children doesn't necessarily mean that it's good for your children. Parents need to take personal responsibility for that decision. They also have a responsibility to steer their children away from the negative, either by not exposing their children to it in the first place, or by explaining why it's bad and not to be imitated.

What a mess the entertainment world is in! It could be such a good tool for teaching about life, as it once was, but instead it's getting worse by the year!

Today's mainstream media rarely mentions God except in profanity, the occult is intriguing and "cool," and religious people are usually portrayed as kooks. When I was growing up, many movies had positive, reverent references to God and prayer, and often even the most wayward characters would wind up learning their lesson and reforming. Movies back then usually had happy endings, with morals and lessons being taught.

Not now! Sometimes you can hardly tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys. What I really hate are those stories where the evil wins out in the end.

In Greek drama, European opera, and Shakespearean plays there were lots of tragedies, but there was always a lesson to be learned. The Greeks believed that the emotions tragedy released, sadness and grief, were good because they had a purgative, purifying effect. Shakespeare's tragedies were insightful and meaningful. Every Aesop's Fable had a moral at the end.

But most of today's music, movies, television, videos, and other entertainment have nothing sensible to teach, no lesson to be learned. They leave you with a feeling of hopelessness. "Everything's a mess! The world's a terrible place! God must be a monster to have created such a thing!" They blame it all on God. Even if they don't mention God, that's what they mean. "Why me? This is unfair! Why does this have to happen to me?"

Cartoons have always had their share of violence—cartoon characters hitting each other and blowing each other up and that sort of thing—but some of the latest cartoons are even worse because they introduce children to the occult and other evil supernatural stuff. I love the supernatural—the good side—but many of today's cartoons portray and promote the other side, a full array of Satan's goods! It's like stepping back into the Dark Ages. It's terrible!

It's the same with much of today's music and music videos. You can hardly ever understand the lyrics—at least most adults can't without really making an effort. But if you make that effort, or if you read the lyrics [most can be found online], in many cases you'll be shocked and appalled at the perversions and warped values that songwriters and bands are preaching to young people through their music.

If you're a parent, you need to take a long, hard look at what's out there and decide if that's how you want your children to turn out, because what they watch and listen to and imitate today, they will become tomorrow.

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Proactive parenting
How to get the most from TV

• Don't let your children watch unmonitored TV.
• Preview or read reviews on a movie or TV show before showing it to your children. Be selective.
• Strive to make watching TV shows, documentaries, or movies both fun and a learning experience by watching and discussing them together. It will help your children develop the right perspectives.
• Talk with your children about what they do with their friends for entertainment, not in a way that suggests you don't trust them, but to help them build and be true to their values.
• Balance TV with fun activities other than TV viewing, such as playing games together, sports, outings, etc.

Changing Me to Change Them

"We must be the change we wish to see in this world."--Mahatma Gandhi, Indian nationalist and spiritual leader who developed the practice of nonviolent disobedience that forced Great Britain to grant independence to India in 1947.

I can think of all kinds of ways to change our kids, my associates, my wife Heather, and lots of other people in my life. But that's not the place to start. The place to start is with changing me. The Nobel Prize winning physicist, Albert Einstein, observed that we can't solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it. The same principle applies to influencing and leading people around us. I can't influence others to change what they're doing with the same behavior that contributed to their current behavior.

The longer I've been with others who I'd like to improve or change, the more this applies to me. Something I've been doing, or failing to do, has contributed to their current behavior patterns. If I am going to shift their behavior to a new level, I will need to change my behavior. To change them, I need to change me. As the 18th century French writer, Francois Fenelon, put it, "We can often do more for others by correcting our own faults than by trying to correct theirs."

This key leadership principle is useless if we think that we can control others. It's especially easy to believe this if I am the boss, parent, owner, teacher, coach, project leader, director, or in some similar position of authority. I will always be stuck at the superficial level of "doing my leadership thing" as long as I try controlling others through position power. I am ready to move to the deeper levels of leadership (and greater effectiveness) when I give up trying to control. I can then shift my focus to influencing and guiding others by what I do, as well as by what I say.

To create something we must be something. For example, becoming a parent is easy; being one is tough. We can't teach our kids self-discipline unless we are self-disciplined. We can't help build strong organizational teams unless we're a strong team player. We can't help develop a close community if we're not a good neighbor. We can't enjoy a happy marriage if we're not a loving partner. We won't have a supportive network of friends or colleagues until we're a supportive friend or collaborative colleague.

In The Heart Aroused: Poetry and Preservation of the Soul in Corporate America, David Whyte writes, "All things change when we do."

In our leadership development work we use a simple exercise to help participants connect the changes they'd like to see, to the changes they need to make in their own behavior. Draw a line down the middle of a page. Title the left column "Changes I'd Like Them to Make." List the four or five biggest changes you'd like to see in others.

OK, that's the easy part. Now title the right column "Ways I Can Exemplify These Changes." Brainstorm ways you can influence "them" with your personal behavior. This is the hard part. It means I must face up to what I have or haven't been doing to influence their behavior.

It's much easier to be a victim--to blame all their behavior on them and refuse to accept any responsibility at all. But how honest and true is that--really? I may need more feedback from them to clearly see my role in their behavior. I likely need to reflect further and deeper on our relationship. The big (and often painful) leadership question is; what do I need to change about me to help change them? Instead of just wishing for a change of circumstance, I may need a change of character.

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done."--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, American writer and poet.

Most of us put leading by example high on the list of key leadership characteristics. We use phrases like "walking the talk" or "connecting the video with the audio" to express this core leadership concept. That's authenticity.

We recognize real leadership when we see it in others. What we often don't recognize is our own behavior reflected back to us. For example, children act like their parents despite all attempts to get them to love learning. Teams act like their leaders, despite attempts to train them otherwise. Customers yawn about the indifference of our service despite all the catchy slogans and advertising. Family members feel unappreciated despite (unexpressed) feelings about how much they mean to us. Conflict creates tension and misunderstanding despite realizations that issues should be confronted more effectively.

Good intentions are useless if they stop there. Unless we act on them, they're nothing more than warm, fuzzy thoughts in our own heads. When it comes to leadership, the messenger must be the message. That well-known biblical story of the Good Samaritan would have no meaning if all he did was look with sympathy at the badly wounded traveler lying by the road. He acted on his compassion and made a difference. One of the biggest differences between most people and authentic leaders is action. Real leaders make it happen.

10 Things Science Says Will Make You Happy

In the last few years, psychologists and researchers have been digging up hard data on a question previously left to philosophers: What makes us happy? Here are 10 scientifically proven strategies for happiness.

1. Savor Everyday Moments. Pause now and then to smell a rose or watch children at play. Study participants who took time to “savor” ordinary events that they normally hurried through, or to think back on pleasant moments from their day, “showed significant increases in happiness and reductions in depression,” says psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky.

2. Avoid Comparisons. Comparing ourselves with others can be damaging to happiness and self-esteem. Instead of comparing ourselves to others, focusing on our own personal achievement leads to greater satisfaction, according to Lyubomirsky.

3. Put Money Low on the List. People who put money high on their priority list are more at risk for depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, according to researchers Tim Kasser and Richard Ryan. “The more we seek satisfactions in material goods, the less we find them there,” Ryan says. “The satisfaction has a short half-life—it’s very fleeting.”

4. Have Meaningful Goals. “People who strive for something significant, whether it’s learning a new craft or raising moral children, are far happier than those who don’t have strong dreams or aspirations,” say Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener. “As humans, we actually require a sense of meaning to thrive.”

5. Take Initiative at Work. How happy you are at work depends in part on how much initiative you take. Researcher Amy Wrzesniewski says that when we express creativity, help others, suggest improvements, or do additional tasks on the job, we make our work more rewarding and feel more in control.

6. Make Friends, Treasure Family. Happier people tend to have good families, friends, and supportive relationships, say Diener and Biswas-Diener. But it’s not enough to be the life of the party if you’re surrounded by shallow acquaintances. “We don’t just need relationships, we need close ones” that involve understanding and caring.

7. Smile Even When You Don’t Feel Like It. It sounds simple, but it works. “Happy people … see possibilities, opportunities, and success. When they think of the future, they are optimistic, and when they review the past, they tend to savor the high points,” say Diener and Biswas-Diener. Even if you weren’t born optimistic, with practice, a positive outlook can become a habit.

8. Say Thank You Like You Mean It. People who keep gratitude journals on a weekly basis are healthier, more optimistic, and more likely to make progress toward achieving personal goals, according to author Robert Emmons. Research by Martin Seligman revealed that people who write “gratitude letters” to someone who made a difference in their lives score higher on happiness, and lower on depression—and the effect lasts for weeks.

9. Get Out and Exercise. A Duke University study shows that exercise may be just as effective as drugs in treating depression, without all the side effects and expense. Other research shows that in addition to health benefits, regular exercise offers a sense of accomplishment and opportunity for social interaction, releases feel-good endorphins, and boosts self-esteem.

10. Give It Away. Make altruism and giving part of your life, and be purposeful about it. Researcher Stephen Post says helping a neighbor, volunteering, or donating goods and services results in a “helper’s high,” and you get health benefits as well. Listening to a friend, passing on your skills, celebrating others’ successes, and forgiveness also contribute to happiness, he says. Researcher Elizabeth Dunn found that those who spend money on others reported much greater happiness than those who spend it on themselves.